This is a hard post to write because it’s hard to admit that at the age of 37 I’ve developed an eating disorder. When I think of eating disorders I think of young women starving themselves trying to be thin. Or maybe even people who binge eat to hide and stuff down emotional pain.
Neither of which describes me at all. I’m not even really sure if there is a name for the eating disorder I’ve developed, but I’m almost certain it can be called an eating disorder, please correct me in comments if I’m wrong. I mean no disrespect to those who suffer from eating disorders.
You see, I started my quest to become a vegetarian because of severe GERD and acid reflux. I was constantly on medications and they were not working. Doctors started speaking of scoping and surgery…. all of which terrify me. Upon my research I found a vegetarian diet can eliminate GERD. As I explored more about vegetarianism the more I learned about factory farming and animal cruelty. There was no turning back at that point.
The vegetarian diet worked. My GERD subsided and in a few short weeks I was off all of my medications. This made me extremely happy, except for the fact that I still suffered with asthma and it was only getting worse. This is where my trouble started…..
I figured a vegetarian diet could help me so much with my GERD that it cleared up completely, that MAYBE there was something I could do to help alleviate some of my asthmatic symptoms. I became completely obsessed with studying and researching diet after diet. I read book after book until I was 100% completely and utterly confused.
Maybe you can relate? But the more you research foods and their effects on the body the more you will find debates and conflicting so called “evidence” of what is good for you and what is bad for you. It’s exhausting. Who do you believe? My head was spinning and I didn’t know what to do. I felt completely powerless and unable to choose what to do.
I started to feel helpless and looked at food in an entirely new and scary way. I was afraid to eat anything because I felt everything was going to make my asthma and health worse or… eventually kill me. Seriously, some of the accusations you will find online about different foods is down right terrifying.
Food was now my #1 enemy instead of medicine and nutrition for my body. Was this okay to eat? Was this going to make me worse or better? Should I even try? Maybe I should ignore it all and just live my life as I was before? But, then again my asthma seemed to rule my life. Did I really want to just “deal with it”? I so desperately wanted to find what worked for my own body, but I was totally frozen in fear.
Maybe you don’t have asthma, maybe you’re on your own health journey and have experienced this? If so let me know so I know I’m not crazy okay? LOL!
Anyways, here I am now stuck at the ripe ol’ age of 37 terrified of food. Food gives me high anxiety. It frightens me. I’ll skip breakfast and lunch, binge on junk food, and figure out what can I get away with eating for dinner.
My health is suffering for it and so is my sanity. I’m working hard to over come this. It’s a huge mental block for me. I need shake all the research I’ve done and just try and see what works for MY BODY that is cruelty free of course. I need to stop listening to random people on youtube, random doctors that wright books and have a huge empire of followers… I need get myself into a place where I can feel free to tap into my own intuition on what my body needs.
I wish I could end this post with a definite answer or solution to a problem such as this, but right now I do not have that. I’m still on my journey to figuring things out and I truely hope that time will be sooner than later.
I ask that if you’ve been through this to please share your experiences below. I’d love to hear your story!